Sweet version: "3 words myke. 1, never go back to him. 2, let him change first as a
grown man before he decides to get back to you. 3, you're so better
than all of these myke. i never expected this from you. Probably from Carla, but not from you."- Alex
Rough version: Tangina ka Myke. May utak ka pero anong ginawa mo?!?!
1.Funny
that I had my last entry June 11, only to find out that I'd be giving birth the
next day. As predicted, it was scary, but the experience itself was scarier.
BGH's delivery room looked like the scary old hospital/morgue where Sweeney
Todd cut his enemies' brains open – rather the operating room in some horror
flick. And it was cold. And damn I felt the stitches since my
"charity" expenses only allowed for local anesthesia of about
.00000000000001 mL. Naturally I screamed with too much pain, and the added pain
caused by fear. I even felt the guy OB
having too much difficulty removing my placenta. Good news, it only got me
around 3k which covered everything. Waw.
2.I
think weeks after the hi, congrats, Anthony texted me with a new smart number,
me pretending "Who's this?" joking around and finally seeing him thru
the webcam so he can see Mykee. The same sad eyes beckoned. He asked about the
new baby, the full name and the nickname, me saying sorry coz I can't think of
any nicer name, and him seeing Mikkel too up close. Saw his face brightened
with a faulty effort to curb a smile. You can just imagine the challenge of
showing the 2 babies through webcam, and of course, mom provided the background
of contras. Mom can really abuse hard. So I had to put Mikkel to bed since
Mykee was eating, kept checking on her, when he saw my chin on sideview he just
had to utter "San ka ba nakatingin? Sa boyfriend mo?" Tanga. Kay
Mikkel kasi nilapag ko lang. Of course I didn't show my face. Why should I.
3.So
weeks after, he kept bugging. Salamat sa pagalala. Sa palagay mo ba ite text pa
kita kung wala akong pakelam sa kanila? Aouch. That stung. So the next time he
texted I told him to go ask the yaya. He goes, "Drama mo naman. Ikaw ang
asawa ko at ikaw ang nanay bat sa yaya ako magtatanong". Sarcastically I
said uy thanks sweet mo naman kinilig ako. Umaasa ka pa ba na maging tayo uli?
Honest.. Di mo maiaalis sakin yon. Asawa pa rin kita at tatay ka ng mga anak
ko. Pero since masaya ka na sa ganyan di na tamang ipilit ko pa. Problema ko
nalang kung pano papaliwanag sa mga bata. Maiintindihan nila yan, matatalino
mga anak natin.
4.Am
I over him? Good Lord Thank you I've moved on a bit. Point is, I've moved
instead of getting stuck there. I no longer think and cry over the lost love
since I've accepted that it was all a big, rather, a nasty mistake. And by
letting go I made the guy happy. But I can still cry over a shattered ego and a
broken family, can I?
5.Finances
wiped out. Unavoidable since I had to help mom. Back to the woes, but cling to
any hope that the Good Lord will provide – as always.
6.I
was depressed hours ago. After a short prayer, some senti sounds on the
background, re-reading some old entries here and attending to my children, now
I feel better.
I'm
just wondering what kind of lessons I am being taught.
1. That I don't have to worry about money for the time being, at least for 1 good week in in my life, I don't have to worry. I don't want to leave this place ever again. I want to stay here for good - without any financial worry so I can provide well for my kids.
2. And in that sense, it feels so good to have helped someone in dire need. I've been there a lot of times and now that I'm in the position to help, I help. I don't turn a blind eye or a deaf ear - kahit sa ganitong panahon, dapat madamot ka na. Despite the recession and the uncertainty, unconditional giving really feels a lot better than receiving. Tel me I wasted 5k on charity? No. I think and feel it's money well spent. At hindi ko na sisingilin yon.
3. Blew 5k on my second baby's clothes. No crib, just a nice and expensive crib set (and alot of clothes and other basics) which I honestly think my 2nd daughter deserves too - despite the recession and the uncertainty if I will be earning that kind of money again. Just wash them and I'm all ready for her. If Mykee and I got the very best, my 2nd daughter should never be an exception.
4. About to give birth again anytime this week til the 22nd, and damn scared because I so can clearly remember how labor and giving birth (withOUT pain medication, not even a measly sedative) feels, and yes, the pain can really kill you. It's more than torture, but on 2nd thought - if that's what I have to sacrifice for a normal and beautiful baby, then I shouldn't mind going through it again.
5. And speaking of giving birth, I was canvassing my possible hospital expenses because I CAN'T SPEND my whole comm on hospital bills. Please no. So I rang Benguet Gen and asked. Charity rates include 2-5k for normal, 10k for cesarean. I still have to call BGH yet since a cab driver, an uncle, and a cousin told me that for normal deliveries, I will just have to spend 500. Nothing more.
And so as I check all my purchases and clean them of tags, I couldn't help but feel excited - all over again. :)
I hate this. I hate staring at the computer with tons of work to do, and being kept paralyzed by the thoughts of my ex husband and in-laws. I kept praying for them to just vanish from my thoughts and dreams...but they just keep on refusing my pleas.
Lord nahihirapan nako. This is never easy. I keep thanking You for my blessings, especially for the financial side that I don't have to worry about it anymore, but the emotional hardships just can't stop. Kinakaya ko nalang. I am just putting up a face, a show even if deep down I'm dying. I have to be strong for my kids now because it's just me and them. I have to admit that I still am scared - very scared in fact - that I'd be alone in this ordeal and I don't know how to cross the damn river with my kids when no bridge is in sight. I know I've never been a quitter...but this is just too damn hard and way too much for me to bear.
I plan to go to Church for the first time in months. I'd be praying for a normal, healthy and pretty baby and also a normal delivery free of any complications. Most of all, I'd be praying hard to forget Anthony, to stop thinking about him, and to stop dreaming about him. I'ts been 7 months now. I thought I have well moved on, only to find out I never did. And that's what paralyzes me still.
I keep telling myself why I don't need him anymore. Fine, I'm still madly inlove with the bastard, but there are just compelling reasons why it can't happen.
One, the Good Lord doesn't want it anymore because I strongly believe that if He really wants it, He will make it happen which it didn't. Umiiyak pa rin ako pero kung talagang hindi na, wala nakong magagawa.
Two, the guy is painfully limited. I can't really love him for who he is. I will naturally keep on sizing him because he doesn't have any plans to improve on his life even just for his kids' sake. Like he doesn't recognize the need that the respect of his kids has to be earned, and in truth, not easily given. Even if I impose respect, my kids will eventually know the real bitter truth.
Three, you know how far I've gone to achieve the things I want. Of course it won't be done without God's help, I sincerely acknowledge that, but I just can't make it with a partner who insists on himself that, "Hanggang dito nalang ako kasi tamad nako at hindi ko kaya yan." No matter how far you push him, inspire him, or motivate him. I don't want that kind of drag. In what I have achieved through God's help, I never minded the obstacles. I simply ignored them and treated them as non-existent. I think everyone can attest to that. Even my mom who kept her skepticism all through out.
And finally, I've long accepted the truth that despite of all his pretensions and real efforts to prove that he was ready to accept husbandhood and fatherhood, he is never ready deep down. Maybe I was too blind to accept all his yesses infront of his family, I made sure I kept asking if he really wants to marry me, and he kept saying yes. I should have known better. And if I remember it correctly, he became overly burdened. So the best logical thing to do was to leave him to ease his burden, because he never spoke at all and never bothered to tell me how burdened he already was. In all fairness he lived up to the expectations of everyone while we were there. But when we all left, he was back to the miserable guy that he was, or even worse.
I can't do this alone. Down the line I see myself alone to care for and raise my 2 kids. I commited the grave mistake of marrying a guy who was never ready. I already knew that from the very beginning; but I was blinded by his words and Schelma's that readiness will come when it's all there and we all have no other choice but to be ready.
Lord...are You even there?
I am so scared. For a girl like me with steel nerves, I've never been this scared in my entire life Lord. I'm about to give birth in a matter of weeks, and even if I have my own family, relatives and friends behind me, I still feel alone.
And I am alone to bear the brunt of my mistakes. I've waken up to a really bad hang over and I can't move on with my life no matter how hard I try. This is one nasty hang over.
If there is any good in all of this, I left him because I knew better. I never forced him Lord, You know that. Even he kept saying yes, he never knew what the fuck he was talking about so I decided to leave instead. I left to end the misery of the whole picture - that we needed to stop pretending it could all work out and I could bring out the readiness in him, if not his best. I saw this picture long before anyway. That I would be marrying for the mere sake of the kids' names, for them to be legit and be afforded the rights that I didn't have at birth, and to veer them away from the stigma that society can well give.
Well now, it's been nastier because I am now in Tita Virgie's role, my husband happier with another woman to love, and possibly, the nasty accident of having illegit kids with her too because of my wrongful marriage with the guy. And of course, the sad alienation from his family whom you've learned to love and helped in one way or the other - who now sees you as a stranger inevitably because of your separation. Except for his dad of course, but that's another painful story.
Lord, I don't know if I still want him back deep down, but I am struggling to find strength where now I see none. I know how stubborn I have been, and this is the only brutal way for You to teach me my mistakes - given the damage I inevitably created to my life and my kids' life as well.
As you can read from my previous entry, I'm supposed to be spending christmas with my in-laws in Sucat because I'm supposed to bring the kids there.
After the devastating breakup and after struggling to move on, doubled by the pangs of my current pregnancy, just tell me how I am supposed to handle the ordeal. Like seeing Anthony again and possibly, with his gf by then.
Sure I can handle it all. We're supposed to be friends anyway. But I just wish that in 6 months, I'm way over him already. That whatever feelings I have now will just vanish and I have properly moved on.
mitchelle_rivera: yes dad mitchelle_rivera: tinitingnan ko po kanina yung pictures ng debut ni keiko. aliw.
SINO NAG SEND SAYO, HAPPY TALAGA SAYANG WALA KAYO DUN, SIKAT SANA NA NAMAN SI MYKEE
mitchelle_rivera: sa friendster po ni keiko. dad...it's ok...di naman kami invited e
HINDI NAMAN KAYO PUPUNTA KAHIT INVITED KAYO
mitchelle_rivera: dad malay mo naman may damit pako. sakto kasi may gown na si mykee.
MALAY LANG TAPOS HINDI NAMAN, TAKOT KA KASI MAGPUNTA DITO, MAGKAKAMPI NAMAN TAYO
mitchelle_rivera: dad di naman po sa ganun...shempre humahanap lang din ako ng tamang tyempo
TAMANG TYEMPO SA SAYAW LANG YAN
mitchelle_rivera: and dad i'm super thankful that you still consider me part of your family - despite of it all kaya nagpapasalamat po ako mitchelle_rivera: besides dad, for all we know, ikaw lang ang gusto makakita sakin...the rest naman doesn't want to see me...so sayo nalang ako papakita diba
BRUHA AYAN KA NA NAMAN PAPAIYAKIN MO NA NAMAN AKO
mitchelle_rivera: naku dad o...naiyakan ko na din po yun i'm just happy and blessed mitchelle_rivera: basta dad promise me lang...pag sasabitan ng medalya sa school si mykee, dapat anjan ka.
KUMAIN NA BA KAYO, KUNG KAYA MO LANG SANA SA PASKO MAGPUNTA KAYO DITO
mitchelle_rivera: pag mag ballet recital or piano recital si mykee pati yung pangalawa dapat din andun ka. mitchelle_rivera: basta ba invited din ako dad e. walang problema. mitchelle_rivera: kilala mo naman akong gumawa ng paraan diba. mitchelle_rivera: pero kung hindi ako invited at mga anak ko lang, ok lang din naman po yun .
SANA NGA PARA KASI HINDI MAGANDA ANG PLANO MO
mitchelle_rivera: dad....nilulugar ko lang sarili ko sa dapat...mahirap naman kasi mag-feeling ako tas ayaw na pala sakin ng mga tao e diba
WHAT DO YOU MEAN mitchelle_rivera: or gustuhin ko man umappear sa pasko nyo dahil masaya talaga at nakakamiss, but if i'm not invited there anyway parang ang jahe naman
AKO ANG NAG INVITE SAYO DAHIL ASAWA KA NG ANAK KO AT MYRON AKO APO SA IYO, KAYA BA NILA AKO
mitchelle_rivera: dad paiiyakin mo nanaman ako e mitchelle_rivera: sige dad kasi malakas ka sakin di talaga ako makakatanggi sayo
IPAGLABAN NATIN ANG DAPAT, AT MAGKAROON NG KAAYOSAN SO HELP ME
mitchelle_rivera: dad alam mo naman basta ikaw humingi sakin ng tulong, all-out ako sayo e mitchelle_rivera: pero shempre kung sa paningin ng iba e di na dapat, mahirap din mitchelle_rivera: and dad shempre ako din, as technically an outsider of your family, would be scared to hear something like, "Ano pa ginagawa nyan dito?"
PARA KA PRANING, ANG IMPORTANTE MAG AYOS ANG PAMILYA NIYO
mitchelle_rivera: "Diba matagal ng hiwalay kay anthony yan bat andito pa yan?" mitchelle_rivera: dad i feel EXACTLY the same sentiment with you mitchelle_rivera: God knows that mitchelle_rivera: pero kung may mga taong masasagasaan, mahirap
BASTA ANG ALAM KO WALA MAGSASABI NYAN, AT MAG IISIP mitchelle_rivera: o basta dad pramis nalang ha...pag andun nako, rest back ka nalang sakin ha mitchelle_rivera: ikaw lang po pwedeng rumesbak sakin don mitchelle_rivera: kasi ikaw lang nag-invite
NO THINK THAT EVERYBODY LIKES YOU mitchelle_rivera: shempre after my blunder i can't blame them if they see me differently na. kasi nga first time umiyak ni anthony sa kanila. mitchelle_rivera: di ko po kaya mag-feeling na everybody likes me when in fact, they don't anymore
IKAW KASI PINA- IYAK MO ANAK KO, AKO ANG UNA NAGALIT, PERO AKO DIN ANG UNA MAG WE WELCOME SA INYO mitchelle_rivera: Dad umiyak din naman po ako e. Mas malala pa and aaminin ko sayo, hanggang ngayon naiiyak pa rin ako. mitchelle_rivera: at hanggang ngayon kahit sobra sobran pagsisi na gawin ko, it's just too late
BAKA LANG NAMAN SUMASAKIT LANG ANG TIYAN MO KAYA KA NAIIYAK mitchelle_rivera: na ako nalang, thankful nalang po talaga ako kay Lord na anjan pa rin po kayo para sakin
ILAN BUWAN NABA YAN mitchelle_rivera: 8 mos and 2 weeks napo. 3 weeks to go kapanganakan ko na po mitchelle_rivera: and dad nung time ko kay mykee i was lucky kasi buong suporta po kayo sakin nun sa panganak ko. now i feel more scared kasi, ako nalang magisa.
NAKU MAG-INGAT KA ANAK, HUWAG KA NA MAG ALALA, OK NAMAN KAMI SIGE MAG REST KANA, KAILANGAN MO NG PAHINGA mitchelle_rivera: awa naman po ni Lord, everything's ok mitchelle_rivera: besides may mga trabaho papo ako kelangang ayusin
SANA MAG BAYARAN AGAD PARA MAKAPUNTA AKO DYAN TO SEE KUNG ANO PWEDE ITULONG AND I WILL PROMISE YOU I WILL BRING ANTHONY WITH ME mitchelle_rivera: dad actually kahit ikaw nalang masaya nako e, kasi si anthony i doubt if he'd want to go
HE WILL GO, I HAVE TO GO TOO, TAWAG NA AKO NG BOSS KO , SEE MAYBE LATER AGAIN mitchelle_rivera: sige po dad thanks uli. ingat po lagi love you po.
Since everyone kept telling me to do write my own list, I'm gonna do it and see for myself if it's gonna be effective.
Why I'm better off without him
1. I need someone CULTURED. Who can speak good english who will sweep me off my feet. Someone intellectual enough to know what's going on with the world, and talk to me in those terms. Someone who knows what a plankton means and maybe, someone I don't need to teach english. I've had those guys before. I shouldn't have a problem finding one again.
2. I need someone who drives his own car and has his own money to feed me. I know I sound superficial, but after all the hard life of being married with a jobless guy? Maybe this time I deserve it. And I should stop taking it for granted.
3. I need someone who will never take me for granted. One who will always prioritize me on top of other things. Like what Eggie and Mark did. Too bad I just cheated on them and took them for granted. I got my Karma.
4. I need a grown up who will, guide me when I keep on messing our relationship. Yup, just like what Eggie and Mark did. I lasted years with them because despite of my being a spoiled brat, (I was worse before), they never left me and guided me whenever I had my bad moments. Even if I kept on walking away, they understood my need for space, and they always followed and took me home.
5. Darl's right. Love shouldn't have too many problems. Like he's too poor and helpless. Like he's too young and immature, and that he has to pass through alot of stages before he grows up.
But despite of it all, Anthony was the guy who made me the happiest ever. Aside from the 2 kids he gave me as remembrance. Maybe it's one reason why I can't stop thinking about him. Too bad. I loved him the most, and gave more than my all, and it's just so tragic that my own karma will have to come from him.
It's not doing me any good to dwell in his memories...or just the mere thought of him. And it won't do me any good.
March 20, 2009 Daddy and I talked over YM and over the phone. He spoke with Mykee, and we were both crying since he kept on insisting for me to go back and force myself to a husband who doesnt' want me for the children's sake. When dad asked what we last talked about, told him "Dad, lalong napasama. Nagsumbatan lang kami." So when daddy talked to Mykee, tears fell. Mykee kissed the phone. She suddenly recognized her beloved lolo.
March 21, 2009 Mykee started calling DADDY DADDY DADDY and we were like, "Huh?!|" So out of jest I just kept telling her I KILLED YOUR DADDY NA, I BURNED HIM TO DEATH!!! THAT'S DANDY THE BIG DOG YOU'RE CALLING!!! But Ate Ella was saying that it might be our dad in the US since he doesn't like being called lolo.
Dream sequence #1: (March 23, 2009) Anthony and I met up because of Mykee, can't help but fall asleep together, and suddenly I felt his hug. I kissed his hand and felt a tear trickle down. We became ok. Then I think...we made up? That was the blurry detail I couldn't remember. The next scene, I was looking for him again. Then I woke up
Dream sequence #2: (March 24, 2009) We were all inside the church. Very familiar church but I couldn't remember. Mom was there, Anthony's relatives were there, I can't recall the occasion, but I was far seated from them. Mom was in the left aisle near the exit and Anthony I think was in the right or at the back side with his cousins. So when communion time came, we suddenly had to go out to pray in a more solemn place at the gardens but me, I was chasing Mykee. After which when everybody was filing back inside, I took Mykee inside, then bumped into Anthony. LIke a simple glance commanded the both of us to be seated together along with other glances from family. So we did. I suddenly felt his arms around me, him saying sorry, and me saying sorry back, both of us crying, both of us hugging Mykee, and both of us feeling glad that our family's whole - and together - again....infront of Jesus' altar. Both of us saying tearfully thank you Lord, ok na kami. Then I woke up and chose to ignore this, thinking that my dreams always LIED.
Reality sequence: (March 24, 2009) I slept early the previous night having forgotten the lights and my phone. So upon waking up I looked for my phone ....and there I saw a missed call and several messages. Missed call: Lihan. Messages: 2 from Lihan. Myke, Anthony to. Kamusta ka na? 2nd message, MITCH, kamusta na si Mykee lalo ka na?
Shempre, naguluhan ang lola mo. Should I reply to maintain positive vibes in my life...or should I ignore because of all the nasty things he said in Zambales?
OOnga pla. My line's cut and there's no way for me to reply. So, sorry ka nalang. I was left to imagine and to think and to rehearse what I'm gonna tell him.
12:00 Noon. I was daydreaming of some foreign goodlooking guy (Robert Pattinson look-alike) to sweep me off my feet to take care of me, love my kids as his own, pay for my annulment and formally take me from Anthony when my cellphone rang.
Lihan.
"Hello Mitch. Kamusta ka na? Si baby kamusta na?"
Whatever I told Anthony, I already forgot at this point.
So I talked to him again. So THAT was why mykee kept saying DADDY DADDY DADDY the past few days. Sorry I can't help but feel agitated.
Forgetting all the badvibes that caused my misfortunes, I switched to postive mode.
"Eto ok naman." Damn I couldn't remember the first parts. I think I told him that Mykee kept saying daddy daddy daddy.
"Edi naman na ko kilala nyan e. "
"I think she does. She remembers but it's taking her a long time."
"E ikaw? Kamusta ka na?" "Eto malaki na tyan ko...| "Alam mo miss na miss ko na si Mykee. Dalaw sana ako pag nagwork nako uli...pwede ba sa mom mo?"
"E si mama naman mismo nagsabi, di namin ipagdadamot pero kayo pumunta dito."
"Kaya din ako napatawag para pagusapan yung sating dalawa."
Hmmm.
"Anthony siguro it's better if we focus muna on the kids...kasi if we talk about us, napapasama lang e, ayoko na ng sumbat. The last time kasi we talked, ampangit ng nangyari e.:
"Yun na nga..."
"Nung nagusap kami ni Daddy (Alex) we were both crying...sabi ko di na tamang ipagpilitan ko pa sarili ko sayo kungdi ka na masaya...e sabi nya bumalik ako at ipagpilitan ko para sa mga anak ko. Sabi ko dad....let it be Anthony's prerogative, mahirap na e...atleast now ok nako, ayoko na ng badvibes kasi akya siguro di tayo umaabante pareho tayo may samaan ng loob. Atleast now, tanggap ko ng masaya tayo this way...and tama ka mas ok nato."
"Yun nga rin sana gusto ko mangyare, yung sobrang ok tayo para sa mga bata, kasi malay din natin diba...di natin masabi..."
"Ganun na nga. Basta don't worry about me. Tanggap ko ng di mo nako mahal at mas masaya ka na sa piling ng iba, na mas masaya na tayo sa ganito."
"Sorry talaga kung di ako nakakasustento at nakakadalaw, hirap talaga ko maghanap ng trabaho dito."
"Naiintindihan ko. Pati gnako hirap dito e, wla ng tumatanggap ng buntis lalo't anlaki na ng tyan ko."
"Ediba may mga offers ka dati?" "Yun na nga e may mga offer ako sa EO, meron din sa FILA, pero puro Manila lahat. Wala naman ako pamasahe papunta, besides wala na kong matutuluyan jan."
"E bat sabi ni dad nakabenta ka na daw uli ah..."
"A oo. Kasi when Dad was offering na pagtulungan namin panganak ko, sabi ko di na natin kelangan umutang uli kasi meron na pang panganak pati pang binyag. Mukha ngang kelangan kong babain yun sa Manila kasi di nila inaasikaso. Kaya intay pako ng lalabas na pera, it's not much, but it's ok na kaya nga after siguro baka magtuloy na din ako ng burger business ko. Dont' worry intindido ko tlga, nararamdaman din namin yung hirap. To be honest pati kami naghihirap na."
"E bat ano ba nangyayari sa business ng mom mo? Kala ko ok kayo maayos kayo."
"Well to be honest, palugi na lahat ng business ni mama. If i focus on the positive side I will tell you were ok, but reality is, shempre this is not our house, it's not mom's house but her husband's even if it's conjugal. SAmple - di ko pwedeng kainin to kasi hahanapin ni Tito. The time his siblings arrived, kami yung unang naitapon at nakitulog kung san san, na sabi nalang ng mga tao samin, kawawa naman kami at bat kami yung kelangang itapon anywhere. Sabi ko, natural. Squatter lang kami don e."
"Talaga? Kala ko naman ok na ok kayo jan." Yeah I'm just positive. We need their help e. No choice not til magkapera ako.
So we talked an joked and laughed about Mykee and how he missed her so much, and how I told him that she's getting so many traits from him, and sorry if I vented my anger on the kids at times when I was mad at him for everything.
Naturally he freaked out but I didn't go into the details. Assured him that it's the last time I'll ever do that. So we kept talking and laughing and joking. And catching up.
Them he goes, "Mahal, si Mykee ha. Alagaan mo mabuti, mahal na mahal ko sha and miss na miss ko na sobra."
I just smiled. "Oo MAHAL." We both laughed. "Ay Mitch pala."
So there. Told him more details about the kid, how sweet of a thing she is, she's tall na and so lampa, laughed and said himself lampa din sha nung bata, and made plans and arrangements that as soon as she establishes familiarity with him he will borrow Mykee more often. That's a good start.
"Pag nagkaboyfriend ka na, pakikilala mo sakin ha."
Hindi pako ready. Yes there are those lined up. There's Ziggy's brother, you remember Zig right? Pero no na. Paso pako, I'm still healing, and lolokohin ko lang yon. Di ako naghahanap. Di din ako desperado. "Basta pag may dumating, kahit di pa ngayon, basta pag dumating na." Sana nga. Kelangan ko din naman ng magmamahal sakin sobra e, diba.
"Sa xmas ba.....?"
O. Ano nga pla plano nyo? Balak ko jan sha kasi kelangan nya maexperience yung saya ng pasko nyo.
"Try ko nalang dumalaw para makasama ko din." A hinde balak ko jan sila para ako lalande. He just laughed. "Kahit si Mykee muna, mashado pang maliit yung isa, kahit next time na yung isa."
"Sige na. Malaki na bill mo." Onga e. Regards to everyone and your girlfriend.
Why do I find it so easy not to cheat? Maybe I'm not very attractive, so my options are limited. Maybe I'm too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I'm too afraid that I've reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.
Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them.
I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.
I told her she wasn't being fair to herself, me, or him.
Finally, she said, "you just don't understand, there are things you don't know." Thing is she's been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.
1. Bored I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.
2. Dependence At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.
3. Confusion Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.
4. Because They Let You If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.
5. Nurturing If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.
6. Revenge This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.
7. Confirmation of Attractiveness Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.
8. The Thrill Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, andcreating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.
9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.
I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?
Posted by Rich `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Dating 101: Seven Warning Signs of a Troubled Relationship
When is it time to say, "My relationship is in trouble, and we need help?" How do you know when that time is?
When couples wait too long to ask for help, the relationship may be beyond repair. The sooner help is sought, the better chance there is of recovering, saving and actually strengthening the relationship. This includes issues dealing with affairs or other types of betrayal.
The longer we wait, the more entrenched we get in destructive patterns and resentment and all hope for change is lost.
The longer we wait, the more entrenched we get in destructive patterns and resentment and all hope for change is lost. At a certain point we don't even want change... we just want to be done.
The seven warning signs that a relationship is in trouble are:
1. Fighting has become the rule rather than the exception to the rule.
2. You find yourself looking outside the relationship for comfort, care, and understanding.
3. You can't remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place.
4. There is little or no intimacy in your relationship -- sleeping in different rooms or different beds, lack of interest, anger, and hostility so that intimacy is out of the question.
5. Spending very little time together, friends seem to be more important than your partner.
6. Reactions to situations are disproportionate to the content of the disagreement (i.e., feeling your partner doesn't love you because she/he didn't like the meal you cooked).
7. Feeling helpless and hopeless to change anything. Feeling done with the relationship, but unclear as to where to go and what to do. Feelings of anger, resentment, pain, and desperation are predominant.
If any or all of these describe you in your relationship, your relationship is in trouble and it won't be long before something more drastic happens, such as an affair, arguments get worse and inflate with intensity, increased jealousy, silence for longer periods of time, and sometimes even physical and/or verbal abuse.
Before your relationship reaches that critical crisis point, look at the warning signs and do something before it's too late:
Seek psychotherapy
Read books
Talk to a spiritual/religious advisor
Without help, the relationship will never get better with time; once a certain level of resentment, anger, and hostility hits, it will simply get worse and worse. Avoiding a total crisis and saving the relationship is done by knowing when you're in trouble and taking immediate action.
It's a baffling dating question: Is there some specific moment or event that makes a guy suddenly decide "Yes, I think I love her"? Well, the answer isn't clear-cut, but there are some general dating principles. "Men have certain innate needs that must be met before they truly feel connected to you," says Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love." When a guy realizes, consciously or not, that you're ideal on all these levels, that's when he'll commit."
guys have four primal relationship desires that are sometimes sated by the tiniest of dating moves by you.
guys have four primal relationship desires that are sometimes sated by the tiniest of dating moves by you. Here, experts explain with examples so you can put these dating insights to use when your guy is at the brink.
The Desire: To Protect
Believe it or not, the so-called stoic sex is hardwired to nurture. Sheltering you from harm makes him feel studly, which makes him feel good. "Not that you should act helpless, but letting him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you," says David Givens, PhD, author of "Love Signals." So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. When a guy associates you with feeling like Superman, of course he'll want to couple up. These little things can draw out his hero side.
Give him a job. Ask him to fix or build you something. Performing concrete tasks is a way of bonding that enhances his sense of success.
Ask his opinion. Whether it's about your 401(k) options or the best travel sites, it telegraphs that you value his brain as much as you do his brawn.
Wear soft materials. Delicate textures like rayon, silk, and faux fur trigger an intense response in single men. These fabrics accentuate your softer, feminine nature, which heightens his amorous instincts.
Don his clothes. It shows that you've chosen him over other guys.
The Desire: Freedom
Even emotionally healthy single men want assurance that their identities will stay put after they've become half a happy couple. "By making it clear that you don't expect your guy to change, he'll feel like you truly understand him but don't threaten his sense of self," says Dan Neuharth, PhD, author of "Secrets You Keep from Yourself." "That leaves him feeling on sturdy enough ground to commit." The following dating moves let him know you're no ball and chain.
Blow him off. Single men hate the idea of being tied down socially, so turn down occasional plans. He'll not only feel easier -- and open up more -- around you, but he'll also start to wonder what you're doing and pursue you more.
Share your own fears.
Guys often hold back because they think most chicks are baby-hungry ring-hunters
Guys often hold back because they think most chicks are baby-hungry ring-hunters. So if you feel nervous about committing, let him know. He'll be reassured that you're navigating new waters too, not trying to trap him.
Reinvent yourself. Little changes in your appearance now and then -- say, hair up in a ponytail one day, down the next, etc. -- remind him that you've got zillions of facets to your personality too. Read: no rut risks.
Respect his privacy. A physical space that's totally his is a huge symbol of independence to a man. Signal that you respect that by, say, staying out of desk drawers and not peeking at his caller ID when his phone rings.
The Desire: To Shine
Maybe he's cocky, but he's still insecure. Trust us, guys need to know that they're respected and appreciated. "When being around you increases a guy's esteem, both internally and in the eyes of others, he'll naturally want to be attached to you," says Dr. Dobransky. Here, things that show your high value and nudge him toward love.
Make him happier. Laugh when one of you loses balance during an intimate moment. Go to stupid movies. Drag him out when he's crabby. If you can keep things light, even during stressful times, you'll become indispensable.
Be a social butterfly. Guys are good at left-brain stuff, like sales and sports, but can get awkward when it comes to social graces. Take the lead and charm the people you meet and he'll be extra grateful to have you. But he may take credit for making those new friends... whatever.
Play mind games. Activities that require mental prowess -- like Scrabble, puzzles, and chess -- can prod his passion. It sounds nuts, but proof of your problem-solving abilities subconsciously shows him you're a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.
Act like the grand prize. Seeing you through other people's eyes reminds him how special you are. Invite him to an event where you'll excel (whether it's karaoke or a fun run), or have him stand between you and another man you think is getting too close at a bar.
The Desire: Comfort
"Falling in love is a process of developing attachment, which happens when oxytocin floods the brain," says Alan Hirsch, MD, neurological director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. You can unleash those love hormones by making him feel like you two just "fit." When he's so comfortable with you that he stops thinking about your relationship and simply enjoys it, he'll find himself nudged into love territory. Take these dating tips:
Let him see you primp. Grooming in front of him enhances intimacy because it's something other guys don't get to witness. Just keep it goddesslike (applying lipstick or powder), not gross (bleaching your moustache).
Cook together. Being around food spikes oxytocin levels in males. The more often you prep dinner a deux, the more he'll associate you with the good feelings he gets from eating it.
Stock your pad. When buying groceries you don't have a preference on, get a brand he uses. He'll subconsciously feel at home at your place. Catnap near him or let yourself doze off in his arms so he sees you in your most trusting, completely relaxed state.
What Yanks Him Back from the Brink
Some factors can derail a guy who's about to fall.
1) They Get a New Opportunity
A promotion often means spending more hours at work. Instead of balancing that with their love lives, guys tend to prioritize their careers and believe that a solid relationship will endure the delay. So if something big is brewing, he may hold himself back.
2) You Never Fight
Sure, guys hate arguing, but it's worse if you don't react negatively at all when he's screwed up. A guy will worry that (a) you're going to lash out later, (b) you're a doormat, or (c) you're not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship.
3) Pure Panic
Many single men worry that if they commit, they'll have to give something up -- friends, dart night, something. So when a guy realizes he's fallen for you, he may freak out and pull away for a while. If you can weather his big-baby behavior without reacting in a way that confirms those fears, he should snap out of it.
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
Have you seen Revolutionary Road? It’s a PSA on how NOT to fight as a couple. For those of you who’d rather not submit to two hours of cinematic depression, here are the five hateful argument tactics you should avoid for the sake of love:
Fighting dirty. Avoid the temptation to say something unforgivably mean and petty as a defense mechanism: “My ex’s penis was way bigger than yours,” or “You remind me of my/your mother,” or “I lied: Your butt does so look big in those jeans” or — and this is the mother 0f all fighting-dirty lines — “I’m not sure we’re right for each other if you think that.” It doesn’t matter whether the mean thing you say is the cold harsh truth or just some stupid lie you made up to hurt your partner — once it’s out there, you can never take it back. It takes on a life of its own. Even if you get back together after a fight like this, that mean thing will haunt your relationship forever.
Playing tit for tat. You know how you’re not supposed to answer a question with a question? Well, you can’t win one argument by creating another. Just because your partner may be airing a gripe about you, does not mean you should up the ante with an even bigger gripe you have about them: “Oh, you think I’m selfish for never doing the dishes, well you are the king of selfishness for never giving me an orgasm!” And don’t even think about lobbing one final last-minute grenade over the fence after calling a truce: “I’m really sorry I forgot your birthday but we’re kind of even now because you forgot Valentine’s Day last year, remember?”
Allowing a trivial interruption. Answering the phone, answering the door to a Jehovah’s Witness, turning on the TV because “Lost” is on, etc., won’t end the argument — it’ll only postpone it. You may think you’ve gotten the upper hand by dismissing and disrespecting your partner by tending to “more important things,” but the whole time you’re trying to explain to the Jehovah’s Witness that you’re really more of a secular humanist, your partner will be (a) getting madder by the second and (b) coming up with an argument so watertight that you’ll never beat it.
Storming out. Making a dramatic exit is not nearly as effective as Hollywood movies make it out to be. Your partner will most likely not chase after you, and you’ll just come across as childish and unattractive. (Em learned this lesson the hard way when she slammed the door behind her and then attempted to open it to get in one last zinger, but realized she’d slammed the door so hard that the it was stuck. Her demands to “Open this door now, damn it!” were, needless to say, ignored.)
Caving completely. Now, we’re not saying don’t compromise — in fact, that’s usually the only way you can end an argument (except for having sex, which we also highly recommend). No, we’re talking about pretending you agree with your partner or pretending you’re 100% sorry just so they’ll drop the issue. Because if you don’t really mean it, all that anger and resentment will simmer just below the surface until the next time your partner does something totally innocuous, like forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste, and you explode irrationally.
John Edwards isn't the only man to stray when he already has a fabulous woman by his side. Do the headlines have you spooked? Here are the surprising signs a dude is being unfaithful.
2. He steps up the grooming. This is so obvious, but it's a sign many women miss: "If your man starts grooming more without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he's getting intimate with someone else," says Vranich. You can actually thank modern mass media for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his appearance, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He's spending more time at the gym.
3. He smells different. "When he comes home, if he doesn't smell the same as he did in the morning, and it isn't the scent of soap in the gym or at your home, it may be because he's showered at her place," offers Vranich. So pay attention, because in this case, that old saying "the nose knows" might very well be true.
4. Nothing fazes him anymore. "If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added intimacy and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy," Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of "When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships": "
If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.
If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."
5. He becomes suspicious of you. "If he's normally a mellow type, all of a sudden he may want to know where you are all the time and with whom," says Vranich. "It's the result of him realizing that if he's cheating and it's not that hard, you might also be getting away with it." Also, beware of extremely detailed responses to even your most innocent "How was work today?" queries. He may be preparing epic answers because he's terrified of getting caught.
One caveat: If your romantic life hasn't fallen off, that's no guarantee that he's faithful. "It's a serious mistake to think that affairs are necessarily physical. He may just be unhappy in other parts of the relationship," says Kirshenbaum. In fact, an illicit relationship could even stoke his lust for you.
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
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LIVE ....FORGIVE...AND LET GO !!! LETS TAKE SHINE BACK !!
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance.
But when you don't practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy.
What is forgiveness?
There's no one definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can live a free and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it! All is forgiven.
Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.
Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because forgiveness is an internal matter.
Choice is always present in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.
There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Mahatma Gandhi
Forgiveness by Barry S. Maltese
If you try to reach inside of your heart you can find forgiveness, or at least the start And from that place where you can forgive is where Hope, and Love, also thrive and live
And with each step that you try to take and with that chance that your heart might break Comes so much happiness, and so much strength which Alone can carry you a fantastic length
For hate and anger will not get you there and though you say that you just don't care You can EASILY avoid the pain on which hate feeds . . . the kind of hurt that No one needs
Just make the move, take that first stride let go of the thing known as "Foolish Pride" Maybe then you can start to repair the past into something strong, that will mend, and last!
We all know that there has been a lot of DRAMA on here lately ......... everyone tearing others down or a new butt hole if I should say....... and a lot of us here in the shine community have been victims of it, including myself ! So I say that it is time for us all to let our guards down, forgive forget, and let go of all the wrong doings in the past and lets all look forward to a brighter tomorrow and Shine !
This is my peace offering ! This is a post for those of you who you who have been hurt
or anyone who has inflicted hurt on another....... If you wish to have shine back and are willing
then this is the place..... so come in and leave your destructive thoughts about others at the door !
I think everyone has some form of baggage. We need to purge that baggage, or manage it, in order for a relationship to work.
Here are some forms of baggage: Ex-boyfriend Baggage
This is the most common type of baggage I've seen: a woman just can't get over her ex-boyfriend. It's not that I'm being compared to him-I don't even think I get that far. Some women hold on to the idea that the ex may come back into her life. Or they just don't have resolution after the relationship goes sour.
If someone can't come to grips with a relationship's end, they will be unable to function in a new relationship.
I had a crush on a girl in college, and I found out that she had a combo ex-boyfriend/white whale baggage thing going on. Her boyfriend had cheated on her and they broke up but she remained infatuated with him. She talked her friends' ear off about it and drove them crazy-so crazy that her friends encouraged her to start anew with me. I ended up becoming good friends with her. Well, I guess he actually wasn't her white whale-the two are now happily married with a beautiful baby. I'll take credit for being such a stupid drunk who couldn't win her over in college. I hope they realize how much I did for their family!
Appetite Baggage
The other day my friend Margaret and I were getting lunch, and I pointed out a tall gorgeous girl dining alone. "That's the kind of girl I love," I told Margaret. Margaret pointed out something that I didn't even notice: "Um, look at how meticulously she is pulling things out of her salad. You don't want that kind of baggage." If I go out to dinner with a girl she's not eating or has strange control issues with her eating, then there is baggage and she'll have to beat this before she's ready to date.
Family Baggage
It's tough to date a girl who has an unstable family. Sure, I know it's my job as a supportive boyfriend to help her out or let her vent if someone in her family is annoying her; but it's really tough if there are deep family issues that were never resolved. Walking into a situation like that can further damage the family. No significant other has the power to fix historical family problems. Waiting to be Hurt Baggage
This kind of baggage causes people to interpret harmless events in the relationship, and/or things that are said as a sign that things are going to start going poorly. If someone is living in paranoia throughout the relationship, assuming things will go badly, it will eventually wear on the other person and drive them away. Also, a person who assumes they will be hurt can not trust anyone-and trust is the core of any relationship.
Mystery Baggage
Any baggage will cause someone to act irrationally. So, if someone is flaky, wavers between being into you and not being interested, disappears after appearing interested, or etc, chalk it up to baggage. Baggage comes in many forms, so who knows? It's much easier for you to dismiss a disappearing guy/girl as having "too much baggage" and move on.
Do you agree with my definition and types of baggage? I assume you see "commitment baggage" with guys. What are the most common types of baggage you've seen? Do you agree that everyone has baggage, and do any types of baggage make it impossible for a person to function in a relationship?
Posted by Rich ````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Notice the change?
That's because I'M OK NOW.
I've MOVED ON and moving forward.
I love my kids they're all I have and I'm all they have,
Damn I'VE BEEN THROUGH ALOT of sh1t.
That's coz...
I'm a WOMAN now. And a beautiful one too.
The DIVA ♥
M Y K E and I'm not a boy, never gay, ALREADY GAVE BIRTH.
This is my sojourn, one of my legacies. Where my kids will read the colorful life that I led.
That I've been to where they will soon pass.
This is my life, not my theater, so Click here if you like it.
WISHLIST ♥
Go around the world with my kids. Kick his ass. Enjoy the short life that we all have. Wisdom, Knowledge & Talent.
Fame, Beauty & Fortune.
Friends forever.
Everlasting love (Is there such a thing?).
And lessons learned.
HER AUDIENCES ♥
If I died yesterday, TODAY I SHALL LIVE. PUT CBOX HERE.
The longer we wait, the more entrenched we get in destructive patterns and resentment and all hope for change is lost.
