---------------------
Pa Document lang :)))

This was the night of Jan 7 at Handlebar, Razorback's Gig, when 2 friends stood me up.

B: R u serious??? An layo nyan ha !! L8 na. Take a cab
B: Take a cab.I reimubrus it wn we mit up.
You don't. :) its ok. sapakin ko nalang pag lumapit.
B: Pls lts not argue myk. Jus take a cab. Pls. Il reimburs it. I promis
Im not arguing with u b. I just really have to budget lang. Hope you understand.
B: Ok. jus be careful. Txt me wn u gt hme.

I remembered walking from Polaris to Makati Ave then taking a jeep home. So when I got home, I called up Bamboo but he didn't answer. Texted him happy new year, I missed my movie buddy. He replied: Hey dude! Miss yah 2! Happy happy new year! New number??

Butch was texting but I didn't answer. I was too mad on the world so he had to bear the brunt too. A sun number came calling and since it's unidentified, I automatically assumed it was Bamboo. He was like, "Hulaan mo kung sino." So I was like, "Bam? Is this you? Heyyyyyyy Bam!!!!!!!!! I super missed you!!! When are we watching a movie again? Dali I super missed you!!!" The guy goes, "Sige tingnan ko bukas I'll text you.."

Morning, Jan 8.

B Globe: U up na?
Yup. But i want to sleep pa. Myt have a bad day again.


Some Sun number showed up my phone. Since I lost Bamboo's number and knowing that he was my text buddy the previous night, i got this text:

Sun Number: "Hey, wt time tayo l8r? - bam"
Bam may nirurush lang. U have other plans ba?
Sun Number: Cleard my sched na. Tara! Wr do u wana watch? Cmon wna c ya
Ok. Im broke po. :) I wanna see you tho.
Sun Number: No prob! y? whats wrong? Wher do we meet?
Wala naman kailangan lang magtipid :) san mo trip? Greenbelt?
Sun Number: What tym?
Now? Hahahah
Sun Number: Rly? Ok. Wana do somthn l8r? :) or u hav plans pa?
Nako. Magastos yon. :) lunch, movie, n coffee nalang po muna :) then we'll see tonight.

Sun Number: Got u covrd naman e. :) we and what time do we mit up?
Abaah! Maraming pera c bam ahahaha! Ssst. Hinay lang. Pick me up in an hr?

Sun Number: Got an idea. :) wana do it in a hotel. B4 wachn para swabe yng trip. ;)
What da F? :)) do what?

(B on his Globe phone for the meanwhile was texting like, "Ang init!! D ako mka2log. Hav u eatn na b?" i think i texted something like, I'm starving.)

Sun Number: U weed n stuf, lets get rowdy! Yr not seeing any1 r u?
Bwahahah! Kaka tira ko lang nung wed may tama pako :)) Yoko na muna. Well i'm kinda seeing some1, d doctor nga, but it's not official. So technically i'm still single. Hoy. Kwentuhan mo nga ako. What happened to ur ex na?

Sun Number: Gud!! So wr both free!! we knda got tyrd lng. Its bn a wyl. Doctor! Wow! Ambango nyan ah! Seloso b yan? :p
Hahahah! Oo. Sobra. Putaena ayaw na pa-boyfriend. Kaya acting single pa ako.

(B on his Globe meanwhile was texting too like: "Ako b yon? Sory lutang pako. Parang zomby. Tara lunch tayo!!! Wr do u wana eat b?)
Ako den putaena. I miss that deep slumber in vet. Ung solid. Anotok pako hirap naman matulog. Not yet. Waiting for another friend to feed me tho. Cant spend anything til fri nxt wk.

Sun Number: Ditch mo na yan!! Muka bng seryoso?
Hahahaha! Ur so funny bam ur not like that b4 :) dapat nga ditch ko na. Pota di ko naman kaya kc mahal ko na. Leche. I want tn need to fall out tho.

(B on his Globe texted again that said: "W8 lng po. Rds dr Cruz. B thr in 2 hrs.")

("May lakad ka pla. Di ka nagsabi. Its ok. Txt me nalng f yr free. Sory. Rds lng ako then cnfrnce nalng muna. Help Dave do d census.")
Hehe di po. I've another friend from Eton, his name is Bamboo. Haven't seen him for 4 mos. Movie buddy ko yun. E puta nagyayaya magweed bago maglunch. Sabi ko yoko na.

Sun Number: Ey mahal mo na pla e. Y do u wana fol out tho? My sabit? Dnt tel me, hwalay! May anak nd makulit na x :((
Walang sabit at all. Never married and never had a kid. Ayaw lang ng commitment. E ako gusto ko na. Kaya I wanna fall out.

(B on Globe: Ok. B thr in 2 hrs)
Ok. Im gona tel Bamboo lang. He's gona be here in 30mins he lives near lang.

Sun Number: Comitmnt. Takot? D naman player? Bka player. Y c hm pa?
Taena bam naninibago talaga ako sayo. :) I guess. E wala pota di ko din matiis e. U gotta help me detach from him tho.

Hay salamat. Ano po ba plano til later? So I can prepare if need be.
(B on Globe: Wana c u sana, lunch, movy then wana introduce u sana 2 my upsilon family.) Odiba. Haba ng hair ko!
Ay. Sounds great! I like. Tatae muna ko. Minsan lang to. So I need to dress good?
(B on Globe: No just casual. w8 lng. upd8 insltnt)
Oy. Wag maginarte. Kanina lang nagtext si Bam, i dint know na pwede ka na pala hatakin. Sorry.

Sun Number: How? Wado u want me 2 do?
Hirap. He's gona introduce me to his upsilon family. Ano na ba to seryoso na? What do u think?
Sun Number: I dnt knw hm, i cnt tel. Upsilon? Fratman! Goon pala e. Muka bng player?
Muka namang nde. I don't know. Told me he promisd himself he won't cavort any1 woman while seeing me. Tutoo akya yun? Pero ikaw. would you introduce a girl to all your friends and colleagues if u dont plan to get serious?

Sun Number: Wt cn i do, bka barilin ako nyan pag nahuli ako.
Ganun na nga. Kaya anghirap diba. Told him abt u tho.

Sun Number: Nope. Wt did he say? Malaki b yan? Bka kaya ko naman. Hehehe
Haha sira. Edi yun naginarte. Told him kasi kita tayo b4 lunch n movy today. Sbi ko wag maginarte. I dnt know kc na pwede sha 2day. So un he told me he's picking me up in 2hrs.

Sun Number: Ah ok, rainchek then?
I hate to, i wanna see u din e. Kaso mukang safer if we do.

Sun Number: Ahh ok. Np! U didnt tl me it ws serious na pla. Tel hm 2 go mga 4 na para we cn watch pa. Hihihi
Bwahahaha! I like that. :) I missed my movie buddy e
Sun Number: Ano txt mo na?
Mamya tyempuhan natin. Well for one i don't even know if we're going serious! Like right now I still don't know!
Sun Number: Huh? Y? Uv bn goofn around all ths tym?
I don't think I was. I dunno with him.

Sun Number: Only u cn tel

(B on Globe: Onga e i dnt get it, uhhh...)
Baka in the middle of our lunch or movie hatakin ka ni Dr. Cruz.
(B on Globe: I'm not on duty naman e. Do u hav othr plans b? Jus tel me lang.)
Wala. I just don't want to share you with anyone today. Sorry. If you dont' mind.
(B on Globe: I jus find it odd myk, im in cubao palng. )
Whats odd?
(B on Globe: Wr set na 2 go out, i told u since tues pa na wl drnk sa wknd, nagbiro pa nga ko na kaw na mag papainom, i evn remindd u lasnyt na since yr glrfrnds stood u up, that babawi tayo mamaya, only 2 find out na yr frnd was gona feed u pla nd u wr thnkn dr. Cruz myt call me bak).
Ok butch. 1st, I know we're gona mit up but i dint know what time. kala ko kasi tonight pa. 2nd, i duno what dr cruz had anything to do with u today that you kept mentioning dr cruz. 3rd, i never said anything that we shoudl cancel r thing today. So what's odd? Dat i asked bamboo to treat me for lunch since i din't know what our plan was? I told him that you're picking me up so he already backed off. Like you only told me the plan after i told him to back off. Anong odd dun?

(B on Globe: M hr na)
I composed this message in my drafts folder but couldn't decide if i should send it or not:
B, besides, I'm not your girlfriend. Because you don't want to. So I think I'm at liberty to text friends i haven't seen for the longest time and i don't think you should feel bad about that.


So I went out. Furious. He was furious too. We werent talking. Until somewhere edsa shaw he infuriatingly lit up a smoke and asked, "Have you been completely honest with me Myke?"

Dude, I never saw him calm and raging like that. It was the first.

So nagalit na rin ako. I was frustrated,
Yun na nga e. I've been completely honest with you even if you're not my boyfriend! Coz you didnt' want to! So I think that I'm at total liberty to text friends and do whatever!

Galit din sha.
"You know why I didn't want to? Because I still couldn't meet your conditions! You said the guy has to love your kids but I haven't even met them! And for the fact that I am still in residency that I couldn't be with you 24/7 even if I wanted to!"


Nako naman antagal pa nun pag nakuha ko na mga bata. E why don't even atleast try? You honestly think that it's not worth to give it a try?

We were silent the whole time. Things just had to cool down and said, "O save my sun number na. It was me all along nagpapanggap na si Bam mo. What's the real score between you and Bam???"

Jusko. Honest to goodness movie buddies and flirting with him never crossed my mind. Di ko sha type. And please. Don't ever ever do that to me again. I suddenly got scared of you. Kilig, but real scared.

1. He loves me. It really had to happen so I can research and validate elsewhere that yes, he really loves me. And yes, he's just busy. I am his priority yes, but sure, he has to save lives first before his boyfriend duties.

2. I can't live and function well without him. Neither can he. It's just all about me. I'm happy to be alone, but I'm thousand times happier with him. So is he. Simple.

3. I have so many friends. Real ones. The moment it happened I didn't know who to call first. So happy to know that despite the distance and busy schedules, they all cared. Like now I already know who's the real one and who isn't.

4. When in doubt, don't do it. Even if you thought about it 10x already. The good thing however is that, the hypothesis was put into test. And now I'm so happy that it was the result that I prayed so hard for.

5. Good thinking on his part to remember that if I'm having crazy attacks, he won't have to mind me. Good thing he remembered. When I texted him the breakup text, he didn't acknowledge. When I kept thinking about breaking up with him because I was not too sure that he loves me, breaking up was so far from his head.

6. Even so, it didn't feel like it was totally over. Same with him. Happy to know that we were just on the same thinking that we're just having problems, and we're glad to overcome it. Together. If this happens again, sit back for 5minutes and think. Don't let emotions get in the way. Never. Especially when you get so upset on his 'insensitivity' issues. Remember all the actions, testimonies, and drunkenness that pointed out to the fact that he loves me this much.

7. Things are sweeter the second time around because, you both realized, it's tougher to be apart. When you give space, you get replaced. Good thing that I didn't disappear. I don't intend to anyway.

8. Kung magpapa-miss ako, it's going to be entirely and solely to my benefit. :D I have my life too.

1. Success. Thank you brother.
2. Office woes & Realization.

Had this long chat with his frat brother the other night. He was all I needed to talk to. To further understand him and that alas, I've been so crazy again.

---------------------------------
 hi kuya
 hi myke
 break na kami ni ;(
 ay bakit
 sad news ha
because i love him too much?    i know
ano yun reason
 yun nga kuya. i love him too much
 butch is unloveable but we cant stand not having him around
 eh why the break
haha i know
can i send you something? that's actually my long list of reasons why i broke up with him
sure but....can i trust you with it?
oo naman
sayang nga e anniv namin this sunday na. first year anniv thanks [:)]
so does t mean i cant tell anyone?
sana
i don't think butch will like it too once he finds out
 o sige i wont tell a soul
hehe yeah he wont he's sensitive that way
 but i actually am telling this to you now ...kase...
i want him to know the real reason why i broke up with him and at this point he's not yet ready to face anything
 but he's not gonna like it once he finds out we've been talking about it and i actually goaded you to it..hehe
cge ano reasons yeah wont tell. magagalit yun

------So I sent him my long list of reasons blogged here.----

  mas simple ata if may 3rd party na lang noh
  hahahaha!
korek. pero hindi e :(( mas masakit to e
so the way i understand it, he's a sloppy kisser haha
hahaha che!
best i ever had kaya....kaya nga ko soooobrang miserable now e
 pero seriously myke, alam mo naman you give space, you get replaced
so dapat kulitin ko?
not kulit. dont disappear. he's busy with med. even we dont see him. you sure you want to do this?
at some point na feel ko kasi the taken for granted thing e. you know women. we detest that inspite of and despite of. [;)]
onti na lang he's done na din.
 i don't plan to disappear. i want to be forever there for him nga e. kung pwede nga lang it's complicated nalang kami e. you know. momol lang. no expectations but with alot of benefits
hehe baka natiming lang sa period. im sure he means the best.
may sensitivity issues lang yan- aka hindi sensitive
 hahaha katawan lang pala habol mo
 hahahaha! ako lang ba????? hahahahaha
you think he really loves me pa?
  i believe he does. he never brought anyone else. that means a lot.
 shempre brad mo yun pagtatakpan mo talaga yun [;)] kaw naman e [:D]
 hehe not me. i sell them out when theyre stupid.
hahahahahah nice one rhich :)) i like that hahahahaha
  seriously i do. and when theyve been bad, i make it a point na idikdik sa kanila. and i expect it from them too.
wow. that's deep. i like. lablayp ko muna kuya
  hehe sorry. back to regular programming
 teka wait. diba he brought grace...his ex from way back? grace was like the longest
   never met her.
come on....???
yup never did.
who else in the batch did?
  hmmm most likely jon or marco
 a ok. so that means.....di na dapat ako bitter kasi sa latest gathering nyo wala ako? ;))
wala din ako.  was in baguio
was there from 23-1. kaya sobrang namiss ko si butch
haha well wag mo na iwan.
he's a really nice guy.
so bawiin ko yung breakup ko? testing lang naman kasi yung breakup text na yun e
Di na sha kumontra as hoped and prayed [:(] i figured, yun na
thing about us is we're a proud bunch. makipagbreak sa text syempre we'd save face
aynako sobrang proud. it was pride talking that fateful breakup night
yeah the asal maton pusong mamon
dun ko lang nakukuha si butch e.
too late to bring it all back now rhich. he's totally extremely outraged na. accdg to him
    besides no one really breaks up without a break up momol
  hahahahahahaha so required diba????
 oo naman.
 e antanong...papayag pa kaya????
 haha meron na ba tumanggi/?
onga naman *blush* kaw talaga you guys made me blush so hard the first time and you're doing it again. di ba tatanggi si butch kung galit na galit na galit sha?
you know why jon nevere got back with abbie (long time gf
why
so kung si jon ganon malamang si butch din
 kasi napahiya sya. si abbie nangiwan
  butch is not as proud as jon but his pride is huge also
ergo....dapat bawiin ko yung pagkaka break ko?
pero compare maggie with abbie. magkamukha!!!
buahahahahahahahahaha
  you enjoy momol less nights? yun ang sagot kung babawiin mo
 sometimes you just need to simplify things
you enjoy momol
enjoy what you can and dont over analyze things
 so in short i-momol ko nalang si butch instead of the usual talk na balikan na kame
    its a start. you just need one common interest to make things work.
sometimes nga kahit totally different ppl, gumagana pa din
  di naman siguro na you mistake love with great momol
question kuya. pano ko tyetyempuhan? mejo mahina ako sa strategy kuya e
 si butch, di ko alam sched nya eh
     ever since nag med, bihira makasama
pero kuya wait. knowing butch kasi sobrang pakipot yon
   but going back whyd butch agree.  mukha bang pakipot yun sa you know haha
hehe this conversation never happened remember
 mukha bang pakipot yun sa you know haha----OO. nagkataon pareho kami tigang kasi tagal ko nag-baguio. iinschedule palang namin momol namin biglang break na kame
  i will delete this kuya. please delete this from your end after.
 oo naman. cant risk also haha.
so pano ako magss-strategize ng comeback ko kay butch?
hmmmm easiest is breakup sex
sched ni butch....i have someone naman who can monitor for me his whereabouts
say it straight-lets talk.
    say it straight-lets talk. ----tapos?
 involve alcoohol.
 ok. pano kung pumalag pag niyaya ko uminom at lets talk?
    alcohol takes over after a few bottles. you wont need to plan it. specially since tigang
papalag at first but try and try. pumayag ka na ma drunk dial.
tama [:)] can i do it on our anniv this sunday?
 perfect time.
how do i make sure he arrives?
alcohol.
come on????? may chance pang umexit strategy yon!!!!
eh di drunk dial mo.
panong drunk dial?
no pride in being drunk
dapat lasing nako?
you drink. yes. but not so much na lousy fuck ka. dapat great sex.  tamang alis na inhibition
-----------------------------

Told you he was all I needed to talk to. He made a lot of sense. So this chat happened in the middle of it all. Thursday, baby kept texting to go back to the dungeon. Knowing fully well that I would not be able to resist, I went. Even if I was shaking from lack of sleep and food.

Entering the usual road back to him, I was shaking. How do I face him? How do I tell him? I'm not sure either if I'd want to be back, but one thing was sure. I can't live without him yet, I want to be there for him forever, and yes I can't bear being replaced just yet. Lord help me. I'd do anything just for me to retract my foolishness and get back to him,

I texted him I got back so naturally I couldnt' help but expect so I waited. He didn't show up. He may have, but he dint show up. I was crying with all the stress from work since I had to deal with 3 irate clients, major fight with a boss, and the effed up lovelife.

I left for work sad and for the 3rd night, sleepless. Good thing that boss and I got ok after a long talk so once done, my lovelife next. I went back here to catch some sleep and energy.

Again he dint show up while I was sleeping. Texted him, "Ah ganon. Papunta ka ng papunta dito pero ayaw moko harapin. Ganon." Then he replied, "Wait lang po pababa na."

So finally he went down. I was texting to deal with some office items when he came. Casual kunyare. Then he said, "Pahiga." Pero patalikod saken.

"Pwede bang humarap ka naman?"

He obliged. It was all full of hugs and kisses "Kakainis ka talaga, kakainis ka", "Nanahimik ako dito away ka ng away saken" and "Sorry na nga e...sorry talaga sorry po sorry na.." but without the tears as I planned. Hmm. Tama. I don't want to appear desperate even if I was. "Tayo na uli?" "Pagiisipan ko...pahirapan naman kita konti no."

It got awkward at first. But atleast, it happened. It was all I prayed hard for and we were just human to long for it since we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks during the holidays, we were scheduling when, then my foolish breakup text. Heard a faint whisper of love you babe from him but even if I wasnt sure, I whispered the iloveyou's back.

When I asked what happened upstairs, funny that his colleagues and bosses grasped the whole idea and were waiting for developments too. When he went up with a dead giveaway of changed clothes and capped hair, it was all jokes and snides, "O kayo na ulit?" He was shaking his head but smiling wide and laughing. Talk about dead giveaways. His boss was laughing so hard. Good thing, ours was no longer a conference room hot trending topic that it died a natural death.

So when he came back, it became the Greatest BU sex ever. Grabe. Mindblowing. Great seemed like an understatement. Di pako sure kung kami na uli nun e...so after getting dressed I had to hug him and kiss him "O tayo na ba ule? Tayo na ule?" While he kept saying, "Mmmmm konti pa konti pa" sabay tawa. Siraulo. Yeah that was fun. He just had to advise afterwards "Next time we fight, don't post it online. Kasi nakikita ng mga tao." Noted....while blushing to death that yes, I won't do it again.

So what happened when I texted you the breakup thing? "Di ko lang pinansin kahit nanggigil ako sa inis. Diba sabi mo pag naggagaganyan ka, sabi mo, wag lang kita papansinin." Buti nalang.


Hours later, he was back to his usual "Lie low muna tayo dito (vet) ha. Weekends are ok, weekdays no. Nasabihan nako." I would normally take that offensively and think, pucha, to nanaman ayaw nanaman ako makita lage. Dati. Now, I'm just thinking, yeah I have my life too, I have my responsibilities and chores too, and I need to make him miss me. It's gonna be for my own good coz I detest being taken for granted. So he has to miss me. It's for my own benefit.


2. Office woes & realization.

Thank God Benny and I sorted things out. I was crying so hard because of too much frustration, and yeah, at Philamlife's cafeteria. Queber kung maraming tao nakakita. I learned loads. I appreciate him loads when he said "Lam mo pag di kita nadala dun, naisip ko kagad, si Mykee. Papaano mga anak mo? Papaano ang pamilya mo? Kaya kailangan dalin kita pero makinig ka."

1) Pinatatagal ko kasi I know when and when not to fight. I used to be like you. I don't want to cap that strength you have because, I'm not bullshitting you when I say you'll go far.

2) Suck the shit. This is the company that you entered and stop fighting against the big machine coz it's pointless. Mapapagod ka lang sa wala tulad ngayon. Best way to fight it, suck it in, work your way with it, till the time comes you can already manipulate it. Tama.

3) Strengthen your EQ. Yun ang kulang mo. Tama.

4) Stop overthinking and overanalyzing things. Know when to think and when NOT to think.

5) Stop being a loose cannon. Gather everything first, regroup, then strategize. Then execute.

6) Make things simple and stop complicating everything. Kung hindi ka sigurado, don't do it. 

Should I really say goodbyes at this point? Well. Lord please I don't want to. Hours ago I felt so lost I couldn't move. Not even think. Felt like I've been splashed by ice a million times over when he replied to my texts yet again.

Thank God some good angel helped me with this. Hope it's my favorite saint. Thinking about St Mike just brings me back to tears. I think it was him who talked me into these:

Myke -
Whenever you feel lost, lonely, regretful, and too miserable, think about this:

1. Focus on the real, ultimate reason why you broke up with him in the first place. Marie is right. He's about to reach his greatest ambition in life. He's almost there. THAT is in the middle, the core, and the center of his life now; while you, you have accepted a long time ago that you will just be on the far right. Or left. Lucky you if you became a priority at some point. You texted the breakup as a test. Now, the results that you needed are showing - and will keep unfolding.

2. As a non-medical person there are gaps in your life that he can't naturally fill. Even if he would love to...but just can't. Einstein said that you can never judge a person's life based on abilities. If a fish would be judged to climb a tree, he'd be so miserable all his life!

3. He loved you. But you love him more. So you tend to expect more because you invest more emotions. Love is never a good business. But unconditional love far outweighs the returns of any material aspiration you will ever have.

4. You decided to excruciatingly, and painfully, let go of him so he can chase his dreams and turn that into reality. Without you. Because your natural tendency to expect will always be a drag for him. Be thankful that at some point of his life, you became an inspiration for him to be better, and to do better.

5. Letting go of him means being ready for the consequence - that he will soon find that Great Love of his Life whom he will eventually settle down with. Walang masama kung maghangad kang ikaw yon. Pero sorry... hindi ikaw yon. Mashado ka lang nagaambisyon. Pag nabalitaan mo nalang na ikakasal na sha sa iba, o kinasal na at nagunanaw nanaman ang mundo mo...dapat handa ka na.

6. Once he agrees to Talk, make it light. You were born with that sheer natural talent to ignite humor in the weirdest of all places and situations; utilize it to the fullest. And that was one of the many things he loved about you.

7. He saved you, he loved you, God gave him to you at a time you were in disaster of catastrophic proportions. He was there to help you pick up the pieces; and it's possible that his mission was supposed to end there. But since love started, just serenely accept the reality that it all ends here.

8. Always remember that if something ends painfully, a beautiful beginning is waiting to start. That has always been The Rule. You're meant to move forward, stronger, and with a greater wisdom of love, how it works, and how it should be in your life.

9. If he needs space for now, do not deny it to him. With the crazy world that he's in now, he deserves it. This is just part and parcel of reason #1. You tested it. And your
theory was right. If that need takes forever, then maybe that's exactly what you need.

10. Just take the burden light - and treat it light. Crack jokes about it if need be. It doesn't mean that you're not being serious, you're just making it light until you realize, it's not as heavy as you think.

11. Following reason #1, back to you and your life. Again, but happier this time. You no longer have an inner voice saying to hurry your laundry or skip it because he won't have the time for you later or tomorrow. You are now in absolute control of your life and time - use it and enjoy it to the fullest.


He still loves you Myke. That's why he's hurting, and totally extremely outraged, that's why he's not ready to see you yet. You did this for the best of intentions - all because he was that Great Love of your Life ... but the one you Had To Let Go.

Eto nanaman ako. Is this finally for real? I can already see everyone's reaction and say "Huuuu di totoo yan...magkakaayos din kayo yan."

Sana nga.

I already texted at 12:43am this morning that "Magbreak nalang tayo B. Wag na natin patagalin to." And I think and feel that this time, it's for real.


I loved you and I still love you as much Butch. God knows. He has Witnessed. And I think, sadly, He Planned - for whatever reasons I can't understand yet. Mababaw I know, but Jan 8 meant the world to me simply because it changed my life for the better. It finally ended the dark tunnel I endured since 2008. You inspired me to pick up all the shattered pieces of my life then and I'm in a better place now simply because Jan 8 happened. Even with a lot of hesitations and doubts that I should've brought back the time that I didn't love you at all, I decided to jump in because my heart said you are so totally worth it. Even if it meant waiting forever on you. Even if it meant a lot of sacrifices. I became so happy after Jan 8 that I got so inspired to change my life for the best. All because I knew you were always there and you'll always take care of me - whatever happens.

Di lang mahalaga sa akin ang Jan 8. That date changed my life for the best.

Regretfully, that date was not as important for you. Because if it was, or if you atleast remembered from the bottom of your mind and heart, automatic, it's our Anniversary - and not a mere monthsary. Still, thank you for remembering that this Sunday is a mere monthsary. I mean no sarcasm in that.

Mababaw oo. Pero kasi ganito yon. I will ask for your forgiveness for not telling you, but I figured that it's only a trivial dramatic issue that was best left in the shudders. From the time we started last year until yesterday, I already had a hunch that I was not THAT important to you. Na sinaksak ko nalang sarili ko sayo at sa oras mo at wala ka nalang nagawa...na parang I left you with no other choice. I may have been important to you somehow, but counting from the 12months (or 13) that we've been together, mga tatlong beses ko lang naramdaman na mahalaga nga ako sayo. Sorry. Yun lang ang nag-stick sa memory ko. Most of those years, I already felt taken for granted and not really needed. Which I communicated earlier on that no guy has the right to do that to me.

Still, I decided to continue on because I was happily inlove with you. Even if it came straight from you that yes you took me for granted, iniyak ko nalang. Because I'd rather stay with you.

Di mo kasalanan, believe me. I will just take it all on me kasi, totoo naman, fault ko talaga. I shouldn't have been that accessible to you. I should've given you a hard time before giving my entire self to you. I should have waited for you to pursue me even if I was not too sure you'd even bother doing that. Dapat pala nagpaligaw at nagpahabol muna ako sayo. Para hindi ako forever nagtatanong sa isip ko na, "Importante ba talaga ko sa taong ito?"

Too late, I already gave my entire self to you beforehand without minding the consequences. So now that we've broken up, I will just have to endure the painful process of retrieving my whole self back.

Always remember that I have loved you with my all and at this very moment, I still do. I decided that breaking up with you will only have to mean that I should never look for my own worth on other people. I will have to look for it myself and impose it to the world that alas, I am so worth it ... bereft of the need for validation.


I wish you the best and I'd forever be praying that we remain (honest-to-goodness) talking, laughing, caring, constantly communicating friends like how we started.


Please don't forget me because you still mean the world to me.

Ok kami. Am actually listening to Teenage Dream which reminds me of how we started and how ecstatic it all felt. Just to make me feel happy and to validate that, "Hey. We're okay. We don't have problems. We just need a bit of space apart. And he's just seeing me way too often than he should that's why he seemed to be getting tired of me. Like I also have a life and I also need to work and I also have a family to go to and I also have kids and...I also have friends."

So why do I have to keep reminding myself that....we're okay?

Ok I really hope I'm being in my usual melodramatic self. It's a Friday payday, I should be out having fun on my Me Day, but I decided to bury myself to work (like now I have a pile to sort and do but I'm writing this) and get busy and preoccupied. So yeah. I could stop thinking about him and how excited he seemed to be, now that I'm moving out of his pad tomorrow and that he won't be seeing me too often.

It sucks when your fragile ego crashes for the nth time...yet again. So what if he can't wait to see me go? The hell should I care. Dapat ganun e. My world shouldn't stop there.

So why the hell am I crying again and logically, over what?

Why can't I just switch on the NUMB button and never feel anything?

What's so wrong in my mind that I think and feel this way? Or is it really me? That he's too perfect and he just has to attend to his own life and world that I hogged all this time? Or maybe doctors are just different creatures that they can actually survive on a life bereft of sleep, family life, social life, etc that when the luxury of time happens in their schedule, they'd rather prioritize those than their significant others? Yun pa kasi yung masakit e. Hindi ako toy. Girlfriend ako... the last time I checked.

I'm calling Eggie.

I missed you blog. Andami lang nangyari:

1. Finally made peace with mom. Thank God for another answered prayer.
2. Now with Digitel, up for regularization, but now being invited by InContact by the top honchos themselves.
3. Inviernay-mode with bf when I woke up but suddenly got overturned.
4. My beatiful children. Time flies so fast.



1. Mom. Hay. We will always be 2 different people, but I'm just so glad and relieved that God resolved it for me. We're finally okay after a difficult row over adoption and custody of the 2 kids, and it turns out that I was just needed to act to get things resolved. Thank God for Jinky. Just too bad, I'm wishing now that I don't know much details of their current setup. In the absence of a reliable, loyal and long-staying yaya, mom had to carry them wherever they go to scrape for a living. Naawa ako. I was so bothered that Tuesday night that I couldn't sleep at all. I didn't like what I saw and I seriously want to do something about it fast, but stepping back that it had to be within my realistic means. So now I'm praying for God's strength and superhuman wisdom to find a way to get them out of that situation.

2. Which now leads to my career. I prayed for Digitel because of the high pay and the car. It finally got answered and I was ever so thankful, but 6 months later I still didn't have a car. I'm not even sure where and how to get that 320k booked sale every month when 12 out of the 10 clients you meet everyday will tell you, hey. PDLT is just around the corner and you expect that Digitel will still spend for us on your services? Tama nga naman. I'm not even sure if the PLDT merger will tell us to keep holding on because of better things to come, or just wait for that sayonara paycheck and move on to the next company just like what happened with our Sun Cellular counterparts. Digitel is so kind to me. It was not like Ayala where everyone was home and everybody felt the everstrong teamwork, but Digitel is enough for a foster family I could call home. Working relationships are better now, though admin and internals suck, it was the people and the clients, and the mere fact that as a telco, it's still on top of the foodchain. Just all of a sudden 2 guys had to make a formal offer. A former Bayantel VP and a former American CEO (of an arms company constantly meeting with Barack Obama at the Oval Office) just had to tell you over tea, that hey, I want that gal Mitch to join us. Natural, it was so flattering. Who would ever look at me that way? I, someone who only had 7 yrs of real estate selling experience, 5 months of telco sales and network, when my colleagues can offer more? Like my Digitel friends are these: They grew the businesses of BDO, PNB, Ateneo, Metrobank, Accenture, Wi-Tribe... and so who was I to be taken in? So there. I'm seriously torn. I'm not sure what PLDT has in store for Digitel and for all we know, I may even be with those who might be offered that sayonara paycheck. I'm not even sure how the hell would I be bringing in 320k a month when 12 out of 10 clients will tell you that your company services suck. Really, thanks to the Monday morning inspirational talks where 2 successful people will tell you, hey. It's okay to be restless, and it's okay if you just wanted something more for the people that you work for - your family. Thank God that I just needed Benny to tell me that and get me back to that kind of a mindset when things seemed to be ....a bit falling apart from a few weeks ago. Lord help me, please tell me where to go...please decide for me.

3. Love life? Well. Funny that everytime I'd feel that he's so not there when you need him...just out of nowhere he'd call and say hey, where and when do you want to see hp7? Have you decided already if you're staying with Digitel? Was he hearing my thoughts? Or he just knew how my mind works by this time? Grabe. I'm still living this roller coaster ride and I don't think I'll ever stop.

4. My kids. Looking at them and just raving how beautiful and sweet they are for a 2 and a 4 year old kid, ... I must have done something right. Yup, kamukha ko sila hahahah.They're just whiter because I was such a nognog back then that my cousins fondly call me negrang duleng. Angela, yup my Michaelangela, is such a happy baby that she carries her sweet smile everywhere and to everyone. Kahit sobrang stressful na ng sitwasyon. She'll just rant (oh boy, she got my temper x 2) but later on she'll start laughing. Mykee, now Mikaela, is just so beautiful and smart but very very talkative and 5x of my being a reklamadora. She loves me so much and hates the fact that I keep leaving her for work. Because we've bonded longer than Angela. Really bad with the separation anxiety until now that, she's starting to manifest some bad and dangerous traits like what my cousin had before. She doesn't even want to share me with Angela and thinks that I'm hers alone while mom is Angela's mommy. All in all, what she just needed is patient guidance that it feels better to share, and it's better to ask nicely. Makes me think always that, it's time to recalibrate my life goals. I want to be a full time mom without ever worrying about money and boredom. I now feel tired of the corporate living, honestly it's the exhaustion that will get you. I want my kids to have the best - my presence and the comfortable life with a good school and happy childhood; and for my mom, I just want a comfortable life for her along with financial freedom. Nothing to worry about so she won't have to deal with stupid people just to scrape for a living. I seriously couldn't thank the Lord enough that my mom has finally mellowed down, and we're finally okay. I couldn't thank God enough that I've moved on this far that I dreaded that mom might even consider showing my kids to Anthony when they went to Sucat. Funny that when my father in law and Anthony called my mom to talk to Mykee, my smart daughter just had to say, "Sabi ng lola ko daddy kita, pero di naman kita kilala, sino ka ba?" Anthony was reportedly crying. So naturally I just had to tell my Mykee, very good baby. You were just being so innocently honest.

I'm back here in my favorite hangout in Bo's coffee Dela Rosa. Just last year I was here scrounging on money and crying over the hell I was in - when I was homeless and penniless and freshly wounded from eviction - and help seemed nowhere to be found.


Thank God that 8months later, I'm over it now. Thank God, I found myself a temporary home, a suitable job to get me back on my own feet - get the kids and pay all debts. Thank God, I'm out of that hell now. Thank God, everything's changing for the best little by little. Thank God, there's Butch now.

And now I'm back here, in my same old spot, with my same old laptop. Good changes have started coming in but the mere thought of this guy just...gives me back the tears.

Taena. Eto nanaman ba ako? Ok na e. Andami nang nagbago. Konting tyaga nalang, makakasama ko na mga anak ko dito. Konti nalang, gumaganda na buhay ko paunti unti. Konti nalang, andyan nako. Iiyak nanaman ba ako? Tangina tama na diba.

This guy had been Godsent - literally. You know how wretched my life was, wretched more even with my last days in Century, and this guy just had to arrive to help me change everything for me, and maybe save me from the mess I brought myself into. He had been that pillar I had to lean on when everything was falling apart - when December 8 happened, when I thought I had a family in Century to catch me but ...didn't. The guy was there to make me realize, although indirectly, how the 7 years of my real estate career gave me a dead end in dire poverty, that I never achieved anything at all. I may have achieved some, but it's no longer there. The guy had been a knight in shining armor every time shit happened - when I got sick and I didn't have the money and strength to buy myself medicines, when I was starving and penniless as usual, when I was in constant limbo, and I needed some sanity.

So naturally I fell for this guy. And agreed to make it official because I thought, I was already in such a big mess - and I didn't want to add more shit to my already messed life. Like somehow, I found someone to show me the way out of that dark tunnel and I'm already out. And I already found that love to keep me happy and sane for now - at the very least.


But it's all haunting me now. I shouldn't have agreed. I should've allowed him to call  the shots and played along. He already warned me that he couldn't give it all just yet, time notwithstanding, because of residency. Like I was too stubborn not to heed that, and yeah, I should've known exactly what he meant. We shouldn't have jumped into it right away. Now I'm so regretting why I never took the moment to foresee that last Jan 8. Like what the hell happened.


That's the problem when you fall for your knight in shining armor. When he becomes the problem, there's no one to run to anymore.

Yes, You. An hour ago I was not even sure if I should tell you about the existence of this blog, but just the same, congratulations for finding it. Either you’re just too good or you just got too intrigued with what you’re about to find, but to give you an idea, this is my life journal. Even years (rather decades) before Mykee and Mikkel were thought to be conceived I already maintained this, I knew that I needed a journal to document all my life’s major highlights, and I knew that I had to store this elsewhere for my kids to know me – and how I led my life, how my thinking process worked and evolved, and also, a documentation of all my life’s adventures. Also to provide them lessons because I’m so sure of it, they will encounter the same path, or probably the same experiences of love, hate, lust, greed, sloth, wrath, rebellion, what not. I plan to give this to my best friend to print it in a book, so by the time Alzheimer decides to visit me, I can just be reminded of how my life was – too colorfully – lived and enjoyed, and that is enough for me to die a happy woman… even if I may not be able to achieve all the things I dreamed of and aspired for.

 

I was even thinking of documenting all the thoughts I had of you before and after Jan 8, but I guess, maybe I should put in a secret site to this where you won’t find it out first (for fear again that you might not like it or, get agitated), and just tell you later when things don’t work out, when I die, or when you have decided that I should be out of your life for good (which honestly, I don’t ever want to happen). As you can see here, I have a video of my kids, they’re everything that I live and aspire for, and yes, deep down I’m still a mom who loves and cares for her children no matter how society perceives of me and how my (current) actions show of me.

 

The people you will read here are just some of the encounters – the good, the bad, and the ugly, but basically they’re here because they made an impact to my life in their own little way. Either they changed my life for the best, or turned it for the worse, but whatever their purpose might have been, it was all for the learning.

 

As for the secrecy, well, only a few people know. Not even my mom knows about this site even if it’s been maintained for decades now. Though it’s a public site, the rule of Internet is such that if the link’s not spread like wildfire, or in deliberate terms, viral, no one else will know that it’s there. So I take a good level of secrecy there. Besides, if someone doesn’t know me and stumbles upon this site by accident, then why the hell would they even care?

 

So who else knows about this blog? I’ve given this link to Trina and Erika, my law school classmates and really good friends, whom, despite of the many years we’ve drifted apart, are important people to me who’ve seen my ups and downs in that Purgatorio called Ateneo Law. College brother Alex (whom I told you to have worked with the US Army) knows this site too. Colen, who happens to be a brother in my wild Ayala days, is also subscribed to this site. Colen is a good soul who will take a bullet for me. All others are too busy with their lives too and may only remember visiting this blog if they have the chance and the boredom for it.  Remind me to give them a copy of this when it becomes a book in my twilight years, and yes, if I’d be so lucky to still have you (like I have you now) by then. ;)

 

I’m actually hoping that you’d be the last guy I’ll document in here because seriously, the search and the hunt for that Perfect Guy Forever is a cumbersome (to the point of exhaustive) endeavor. I’m also hoping that you being the last guy here would mean a book (and not just a chapter) full of joys, successes, triumphs, maybe even sorrows, challenges, and years (like I’m really hoping it’d be decadeS) of enjoying and living Life to the fullest – with you.

Dear Sir POD,

I will never forget this day. This is the day that you humiliated me in front of everybody and crushed, yet again, my fragile self esteem. Do remember that I am still broken and I'm still struggling to keep myself together, but you and my team is right - I should not be making excuses for my own failure.

I know I needed this. I know I needed all the insult and the torture of utter humiliation. You just didn't push me to the wall Sir; you saw me bloodied and crawling and you still stepped on where it hurts the most. We both know I need this kind of torture; but in all honesty, I'm so tortured right now where I don't know where to start all over again and prove you wrong.

Now I fully understand why everybody in the business affirsm you're a major asshole. I just got so lucky to experience it first hand. Pero matibay ang dibdib ko. Iiyak ako ngayon sa mga sinabi mo pero putangina, lalaban ako. Hindi ako paaapi sa mga sinabi mo. Hindi ako aalis ng kumpanya mo ng hindi ako naglalatag ng benta sa mesa mo. At papatunayan ko sa yo, sa lahat, at sa sarili ko, na mali ang inaakala mo.

Pagpapasalamat ko sa Diyos at sayo na pinanliit moko sa sarili ko ngayon. Alam ko kailangan ko ito ngayon, at malamang, eto lang pala ang kinakailangan ko para magtagumpay na ako.


Mitch